Mutually Abusive Relationship - Can Therapy Help?

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Today, 10:49 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 8	Hello everyone! I am new to the forum, and I am hoping I can get some good advice and input from people who have been through similar situations. Please forgive the length of this post but I want to give as many details as possible. My SO and I have been together for a little over 6 years. I am 33 and he is 40. At times throughout the relationship, we have had issues. He has a very unstable background and has been cheated on in all his past relationships. I come from a very emotionally abusive background and witnessed both my parents fight constantly when I was young. My mother is also very controlling, abusive and manipulative. That being said, we are now acting out our issues in a vicious cycle with each other that is not getting any better. It reached a point last week where I actually called my father to come help me move out. I am not afraid of physical abuse, but the emotional and mental abuse had gotten to be too much. The typical cycle of the fight is this: I confront him with something, usually when I am frustrated. This is not usually something he is done, it is more like a situation that needs fixing (the cat tore one of the screens, something is wrong with the dryer, etc.). He either A. reacts non emotionally to me and we solve the problem together or B. reacts like he is being attacked and then shuts me down with some quick dismissal of the situation (why are you so uptight about it? how did I cause this problem and why are you yelling at me?, etc.). If the latter reaction happens, I then get mad that I am not being heard or that he is not listening to me and I do everything in my power to MAKE him hear me. This includes me yelling at him. If he walks out of the room I will follow him and talk to him until I am blue in the face. He will then at some point lose it with me, scream at me and call me every name in the book, and then leave the house. It should be noted that he has NEVER been physical with me. I, on the other hand, have shoved him, hit him on the shoulder, and thrown things at him. He is VERY verbally abusive with the name calling. The last straw was where he told me he wanted me out of his house and out of his life, and then proceeded to tell me what I was doing to him was the equivalent of him spitting on me (he illustrated this by spitting on my feet) and then just saying I was sorry and expecting him to be fine. That was it for me. I said fine, you want me out then I am gone. I left, went to stay at my mother in law's house for the night and then went back the next day with my Dad when he was not home to get all of my things. When he came home and saw everything gone, he lost it. Called me, begged me to come home. Asked if my Dad would be willing to talk to both of us and act as mediator. (It should be noted that my Dad and Mom are now divorced and that my Dad went through intense therapy to overcome his issues in the marriage. He is currently going through classes to become a certified counselor to help others who are in his former situation.) My Dad listened to both of us for over three hours and came to the conclusion that I am abusing my SO by berating him verbally when I feel like I am not being heard. My SO is abusing me when he is calling me names. He suggested we go to counseling, and both SO and I agreed. We are starting next week. Here are my issues: 1. Deep down, I feel like what I have done to my SO is not nearly as bad as what he has done to me. 2. I feel like my SO does not accept responsibility for his actions ie. "If she didn't just keep pushing me, I would never get to the point of calling her those names". These are (I think) going to be the two main things we are really going to have to work on. Does anyone have any advice for this? I will say that we do genuinely love each other and we both do want things to be better. I would also say that not all aspects of the relationship are broken. Neither one of us seeks the other out to abuse them ie. he doesn't just come into the room and say "hey you suck" and I don't just pick a fight to pick a fight. And we do laugh. We laugh so much with each other. Overall I think it's mostly good, we just have one aspect that is unfortunately REALLY bad. Again, we both want to work this out. "Just leave him" is not the response I am looking for from anyone. I feel like we do have a good shot with counseling, and I am looking for advice on what I can do to make the counseling as effective as possible. Thanks in advance for any imput!
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Today, 11:00 AM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: IL Posts: 2,615	Quote: My Dad listened to both of us for over three hours and came to the conclusion that I am abusing my SO by berating him verbally when I feel like I am not being heard. My SO is abusing me when he is calling me names I think your Dad is right about both of you. A relationship without respect isn't much of a relationship. For the record you equally are mistreating one another, it's not you doing something worse or he doing something worse, it's both of you on your worst behavior. And let's go further. You say you feel he's not accepting responsibility for his actions... what you are saying is that he is responsible for controlling his temper. This is true. But so are YOU. What responsibility are you taking for that? There is such thing as cause and effect. Yelling at him will produce... what? That's right, an equally offensive response (since you both lack self control). Following him around yelling at him is bullying. If you don't want to get called out of your name, you need to knock it off. Not saying his reaction is right, but you are setting yourself up to be hurt when you do that. Glad you're going to therapy together. I hope you get some new tools for communicating better.
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Today, 12:05 PM	? #5 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 8	A Bit Much - I agree. I am willing to acknowlege that what I am doing as wrong, but I also don't want him to use that as a get out of jail free card in therapy like "she does this, so I do that". I mean, at the end of the day, he chooses what to say to me. Nothing justifies either of our behaviors. Jamison - We are starting counseling ASAP. Josh - Yes ! I do realize that! That's why I said I think those are the two things we have to REALLY work on. We both think that what we are doing to the other one is no big deal, and that what the other is doing to us is huge. Neither one of us thinks that OUR OWN behavior is really that bad. All - Are there any questions that I could ask a therapist or any topics to bring up that would be beneficial? Also, the fallout with my girlfriends has been awful. They all know about the last fight, they know my Dad came up, and now they know we're trying counseling. With the exception of a couple of them, they all think I am Rhianna and he is Chris Brown. A few of them have outright told me I am crazy and just a battered woman who is running back to her abuser. It's starting to make me think I AM crazy. Again, he has NEVER been physically abusive with me. Not one single time. I also have never felt threatened in that way. I feel like, even if we go to counseling and get help and things change that those friendships will never be the same. Is this something I just have to accept?
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Today, 12:18 PM	? #6 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: IL Posts: 2,615	Quote: Also, the fallout with my girlfriends has been awful. They all know about the last fight, they know my Dad came up, and now they know we're trying counseling. With the exception of a couple of them, they all think I am Rhianna and he is Chris Brown. A few of them have outright told me I am crazy and just a battered woman who is running back to her abuser. It's starting to make me think I AM crazy. Again, he has NEVER been physically abusive with me. Not one single time. I also have never felt threatened in that way. I feel like, even if we go to counseling and get help and things change that those friendships will never be the same. Is this something I just have to accept? This is what happens when you allow your friends to be all up in your business, and your Dad too. I wasn't going to comment before but now I see there are all these other people between you I should say it's not a good idea to do that. One thing you should remember when you want to overshare is that you will let things go and forgive once you calm down... you move on and it's a brand new day and you're all in love again. Your friends, your family don't. They don't love him and don't share what you share together. They hear the bad stuff and it stays with them long after you've let it all go. It's exactly what happened to Chris and Rihanna. See how they got back together? Well not one of us is IN their relationship, we judge what they put out there to us and it looked really bad. At the end of the day though, she forgives him and loves him anyway. Others may not like it, but honestly it's not our business, it's theirs.
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Today, 01:01 PM	? #11 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Missouri Posts: 529	Quote: The typical cycle of the fight is this: I confront him with something, usually when I am frustrated. This is not usually something he is done, it is more like a situation that needs fixing (the cat tore one of the screens, something is wrong with the dryer, etc.). He either A. reacts non emotionally to me and we solve the problem together or B. reacts like he is being attacked and then shuts me down with some quick dismissal of the situation (why are you so uptight about it? how did I cause this problem and why are you yelling at me?, etc.). If the latter reaction happens, I then get mad that I am not being heard or that he is not listening to me and I do everything in my power to MAKE him hear me. This includes me yelling at him. If he walks out of the room I will follow him and talk to him until I am blue in the face. He will then at some point lose it with me, scream at me and call me every name in the book, and then leave the house. It should be noted that he has NEVER been physical with me. I, on the other hand, have shoved him, hit him on the shoulder, and thrown things at him. He is VERY verbally abusive with the name calling. I think part of your cycle is that as you state here, you come to him with something that isnt a confrontational issue AS a confrontation.: " I confront him with something, usually when I am frustrated. This is not usually something he is done, it is more like a situation that needs fixing ". Why would you "confront" him about issues like these? It sounds like his defenses immediately go up because you come at him with both guns blazing, instead of like, "hey, can you help me with something?" And NO ONE wants someone following them around screaming their fool head off at them, either. You are lucky he hasnt popped you one for that actually, its probably just a matter of time if you continue. I think you would do well to change your approach to him, ease up. You seem full of a lot of anger and resentment, and what you are doing is counterproductive. I am seeing that YOU are the one being abusive in this situation, and he is responding to that. Responding badly, yes, and that is what HE needs to work on.
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