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Aug 6, 2011 3:19 PM
After 19 years of being single (married young and divorced) I met and married the man I thought God had for me. I prayed for many years if it was God will to bring me a loving christian man. Well we have been married now for 4 1/2 years and the past 3 years have been nothing but a constant battle. The aurguments start at sunrise and end when we finally sleep. He has moved in and out of our home so many times I have lost count. I do know that in the past year he has left me 8 times.He left in March of last year at which time he sold his "wedding ring and told me had moved on. After 3 months of separation we reconciled. During the time apart I had been on facebook and noticed that he had added his ex girlfriend in his favorites and likes. This was upsetting to me because 4 months into our marriage he accidently let it slip that he had been calling her before we were married. When I ask him why he said he called her because he wanted to get a copy of her book. Apparently she had written a book about her life and testimony. I was so hurt that he was even thinking of her, we were newlyweds. He apologized and asked me to forgive him, promised he would have no futher communication with her, it was me he loved. Anyways when he came home in June I confronted him about the facebook and he denied it. Well I had printed it and handed it to him.At that point he blurted out "I only had lunch with her once." I was crushed and very angry.He has promised he would have no further communication with her. The environment in our home from that day forward until he moved out again in late july was just awful. In August I filed for a legal separation, I did not want a divorce but i needed to protect myself. During this time I was led to a Divorce Care Group and went through a Choosing Wisely program. I realized I still loved my Husband, had made a covenant with God and him and needed to be faithful to my oath. During this time we had absolutely no communication.Despite knowing I needed to keep my oath the God and my husband I still couldnt and still cant get over the fact that he was seeing his exgirlfriend. During that time it was but heavy on my heart to look at the old cell phone bills. I had kept all the old phone bills for my husband as his ex wife had been keeping his son from him telling the boy that my husband never called for him. I had never gone through any of the bills. I never had a reason to. Well i sat and went through about 3 1/2 years of bills and to my shock learned that my husband had been calling this woman.The calls started 3 days after we were married. I was absolutely crushed and everytime i think of it I just burst into tears.How can I believe that he ever loved me? He said he gave me his heart. I never had all his heart apparently she has a part of it. Over the past 4 years my husband has accused me repeatedly of cheating on him, I have been called so many filthy names, he has gone through my phone, gone through my dresser drawers, gone? through my wallet tellling me it shouldnt matter if i have nothing to hide. All the while he has been the one that has been unfaithful. He denies a physical relationship with this woman but to me an emotional affair is worse. He says he has done nothing wrong. Now I dont want to paint a picture that I have not failed in this marriage as well. I have said harsh words to him, disengaged physically and emotionally. I just can seem to get beyond what has happened. Please pray that God will help me to lay all this at His feet and forgive my husband. I know while I am feeling this resentment and unforgiveness I am far away from God. I know in my heart that divorce is not the solution, my prayer is for reconciliation. My husband has no desire to reconcile at this point but will not file for divorce.He says he will not go against Gods word. He already has as far as I am concerned. He has removed and sold his wedding ring showing me he has already divorced me in his heart, he has left me holding all the financially responsibility all the bills including the house payment is in my name. Anyways sorry i am rambling on, I feel like i am going crazy. All prayer and Godly counsel will be welcome.
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